Courtship, Pinoy style
Be fairly forewarned: This read is not for everyone. This piece was inspired by a story of a friend. She shared (with a little exasperation perhaps?) that her boyfriend doesn’t understand the term panliligaw (the act of courting or wooing someone) whenever she or her Pinay friends mention it during their conversations. He almost always looked like the term is from Mars and was purely invented to confuse men like him. 😉 As serendipity will have it, I had a brief chat with him over DM last weekend and he also had the same words for me, “I don’t get it.” 😉 Therefore, this piece is for him (and those who need it).
First, the Filipinos’ style of courtship may still be similar to how men in other cultures try to woo or court the women of their dreams. After all, humans as we are, the idea of falling in love or spending our whole life with someone is universal. Each culture will have its own way of chasing their “dream husband/wife/partner”, no matter if many will shrug their shoulders and say, naaah, with modernity and internet available, the old ways don’t apply anymore. In a way, that is also true. However, here in the Philippines, the concepts of panunuyo or panliligaw is still very much present. This doesn’t apply to all, of course, but courtship is still taken seriously. While Filipinos have modernized and evolved in their thinking, norms, and practices when it comes to starting and keeping relationships, the traditional way is still ’embedded’ in the modern ways.
This is also reflected in an online article titled, Courtship in the Philippines, traditional practices and modern trends. “It’s important to note that while Western influences have certainly impacted Filipino dating culture, these influences are often adapted and integrated into existing cultural frameworks rather than wholesale replacements of traditional practices” (Taas Noo Pilipino, 2017). Andrino (2022) also agrees when she wrote, “Some argue that paninilbihan is a dying tradition, especially today. However, this is not entirely true because many men continue to practice this tradition just in a more modern manner. For instance, they may visit their lover and bring gifts for everyone in the house. Sometimes, they even cook delicious food and share it with the rest of their lover’s family.”
Naturally, gone were the days of fetching water (in pails and buckets) for the family of the woman (thank God we already have modern plumbing systems in most cities of the country) but nevertheless, men are still expected to bring gifts such as flowers and chocolates, the works! They are still expected to visit her in her house, get to know her whole family–including grandparents if they are still living with her–and even her friends, call and text her often (though not too much that she won’t have the chance to miss him), and be at her side if she needs a companion in going to the movies or the bookshop and YES, I will put this in capital letters for emphasis, HAIR SALON or BEAUTY PARLOR.
The last one could be the ultimate test because most or many men hate accompanying their partners when they are having their haircut or their nails manicured. (I made informal research among my male friends to test the hypothesis.) Some of them readily admitted being bored to death while the rest simply said, “I just go around the mall or vicinity and simply go back to her when she’s done.” I’d probably give men who accompany their ladies (or vice versa) to the hair salon 1,000 pogi (handsome/cutie) points because that means they are really into the courtship (or relationship), enough to suffer those boring moments just to be with the other.
What are the kilig moments if someone is courting a Pinay? For one, many will appreciate midnight calls if it’s their birthday. It also brings pogi points when men bring them favorite food. They feel good when they are complimented especially in the most unexpected moments. It’s also nice to receive text messages and calls of support when they are about to do something important like beginning a business/project or before a job interview. And then, they feel great when their suitors remember special things or stories that had been shared previously. That means, they are very attentive.
They also give 1,000 pogi points for suitors who show respect and support to their interests and passions in life. And then, how can one not feel good when the other holds or kisses her hands tenderly while he’s doing something like reading a book or driving (just don’t over-do it, drive safely, ok)? And then, there are the usual things that women go crazy about – being pampered like a baby (i.e., getting a free head massage for one), being told she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, being seated happily for a shared meal where the food was cooked for her, and of course being hugged when they’re feeling lonely…there, such acts, if done genuinely and mindfully, are sure to win the hearts of the women in your lives (or vice versa).
For the guys (especially non-Pinoy)—it is not really difficult to please or court Pinay women. You don’t have to be Mr. Casanova or have the bank accounts of Bill Gates in order to court the woman of your dreams. Most will be very happy if you show up on their doors with just a single rose or their favorite dessert on their birthday. As simple as it sounds, it’s really the thought. Of course, admittedly, there is no exact formula, but the general sentiment is that many Pinay women will just want to feel extra special. They want to feel that in your eyes, they are unique. That you will do everything to make her feel that she’s the only woman you’d ever need in your entire life (READ: no philanderers and cheaters, please!). It also boils down to attentiveness and mindfulness.
Courtship is a great phase and couples should enjoy this period of “getting to know” one another. However, I think that couples should always remember that after the courtship, they should never ever stop courting their partners. They may have gotten their “yes” already but relationships need constant nurturing. Both sides should continue to act like they are still courting one another (not just a one-sided thing). A therapy group reflected on this: “…you should endeavor to continue on with activities that you have enjoyed together in the past. These help to create intimacy. Beyond this, you should explore new ways to demonstrate your love to one another – to continue to woo one another. After all, it’s the little habits you create together that help your love survive and thrive” (My-Therapist, 2020).
Remember, it’s a free world, and both can dump one another if they stop putting efforts in nurturing the relationship. If you intend to stay together in the long haul, you both should continue honing your skills in courtship or…before you know it, you’d be out the door the next day with only your dogs (or cats) to hug at night. 😉 Seriously, may this help you navigate your courtship and relationship, hopefully leading to a lifetime commitment that is nurturing, fulfilling, and empowering.
[Re-post of a blog dated September 9, 2007 (from my previous site). This has been briefly edited to include more recent references.]
REFERENCES:
Andrino, L. (2022). The Ligaw Attitude: Traditional vs Modern Courtship in the Philippines. https://medium.com/hello-love/the-ligaw-attitude-traditional-vs-modern-courtship-in-the-philippines-8cfe7606ea0c
My-Thereapist. (2020, May 19). Here’s Why You Should Never Stop Dating Your Partner (Even After Marriage). https://mytherapistnc.org/blog/heres-why-you-should-never-stop-dating-your-partner-even-after-marriage
Taas Noo Pilipino. (2017, Jan 1). Courtship in the Philippines, traditional practices and modern trends. https://taasnoopilipino.com/courtship-in-the-philippines-traditional-practices-and-modern-trends/
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